Beautiful Goodbyes
by pepsicolagurl
Summary: What would be their regrets if Sara decided to leave after all? [Short story]


Title- Beautiful Good-byes  
Author- pepsicolagurl  
Rating- PG. No surprising language (and from me, that's a miracle)  
  
Summary- What would be their regrets if Sara decided to leave after all?  
Notes- The following story contains portions of Amanda Marshall's "Beautiful Goodbye", from her first CD, which is self-titled. Also, I own nothing and I make no money from this. Surprised? This is just something to keep me entertained for an hour or so. Just my twisted mind working overtime. Enjoy.  
  
**********  
  
// Fed up with my destiny  
And this place on no return  
Think I'll take another day  
And slowly watch it burn  
It doesn't really matter how the time goes by  
'Cause I still remember you and I  
And that beautiful goodbye //  
  
**********  
  
Sighing, she looked around the room and took a deep breath. She had never seen her place so messy before. Cardboard boxes littered the hardwood floors, some of them half filled, others closed and neatly labeled. Bedroom, bathroom, living room...they had words on them, but they were so impersonal. Much like she was. It wasn't so much the words on the tops of the boxes that hurt her, it was the fact that they were sitting there, almost ready to leave.  
  
Just like she was. About to leave a job that she had actually enjoyed for awhile. Not so much the job, really, as the people that she worked with. The last place hadn't been as much fun, far too personal. At least here, people weren't against the occasional joke or sarcastic comment. Friendly flirting that could take place anywhere, but didn't really mean anything.  
  
Or did it? She wasn't too sure that it didn't mean anything. Maybe in some cases, she had actually meant some of the words that she said, or maybe someone meant some of the words that they said to her. That left her with a bit of comfort, but it didn't last long. Words don't last forever, she was starting to learn that. They were just what they were...words that escaped your mouth, ones that you didn't really notice until you said them. And you can hide so many things behind them. Feelings, the real meaning behind them...there's no real way to tell if someone is speaking the truth or just saying something that they think will make you feel better.  
  
God, it had come to this. She was running. She had done it before, and she was doing it again. A repeat offender. There was no doubt in her mind that she would do it over and over, because that's what she did. She ran. Ran from life, ran from love, ran from anything that could get past the shell that she surrounded herself with. Anything that could crack her, it couldn't stay around her. It was too much of a challenge to keep that protective barrier around herself, and it was too much to sit there while someone got through and actually saw who she was. It was the equivalent of being thrown into a room of people naked. Embarrassing and frightening.   
  
How far would she run this time? How far would she have to go before she could forget everything, forget everyone, forget...him.  
  
It all came down to that, she realized. The feelings that she did, the emotions that she felt and then pushed down inside of her so that no one would know. The words that she wanted to say but never had. If only she had a little bit of strength, a little bit of courage to open her mouth and tell him everything that she wanted to. But what would have happened if she had said those words that haunted her dreams at night? A laugh of disgust, a blush of embarrassment, a hesitation to show how he was trying to come up with words that would let her down gently...but she would never know. Because that strength, that courage, just wasn't a part of her.  
  
And she would have to live with the fact that she had never said anything. There was nothing that she could do about it now. It was only a few hours before she would be finished packing everything, and only a few hours before she'd never have to think about him again. Out of sight, out of mind. Please, God, let it be that easy, Sara pleaded silently, before blinking her eyes to rid them of tears.   
  
She said her good-byes to everyone. It had taken a lot of effort, but she had gotten Grissom to not tell anyone that she was leaving, to keep it quiet. And he had. On her last shift, she had goodbye and walked out, not waiting to see anyone's reactions or hear the words that they were sure to speak. The "good luck" and the "call once in awhile"...they meant nothing.  
  
Las Vegas had nothing left for her. Whatever had been there for her, she sucked dry. Anything that she could have needed, it wasn't there anymore. Or it never was there. She wasn't sure, but at that point, it really didn't matter. It was over, and that was it. She felt so empty, so lifeless, but it was all she could. There was no point in sitting around and thinking about what it could be, or what it should be. She watched the days pass, one by one, and nothing happened. Nothing kept her there. Nothing could make her feel alive, and he would never know. It was for the best, she told herself. It was all for the best.   
  
It was time to do what she always did.   
  
It was time to run again.  
  
**********  
  
// We staggered through these empty streets  
Laughing arm in arm  
The night had made a mess of me  
Your confession kept me warm  
And I don't really miss you, I just need to know  
Do you ever think of you and I  
And that beautiful goodbye //  
  
**********  
  
Catherine couldn't believe that she was really leaving. The bombshell had been dropped the day before, and Sara had just walked out like it meant nothing to her. Like all the time that they had all spent together was nothing. At first, anger had risen in her so violently, that she wanted nothing more than to run after the brunette and push her against the wall, and let her really have it. To tell her that she knew, about that one evening that they had spent together that Sara didn't remember. When she had told her.  
  
Oh, she knew and she had kept it quiet all this time. And she wasn't supposed to be the one that knew. Sara and her weren't all that close. In fact, they had never spent time outside of work together, but there was that one night where they had decided to go out for a few drinks, try and help the frustration and stress they were feeling over one case be covered by a few glasses of beer.   
  
She had never seen that side of the younger woman before. She had actually laughed and smiled, something that was almost rare for her. And she had been so open and honest for the first time since they had met. It seemed like Catherine could ask her anything, and she would answer. She would actually answer the questions.  
  
But it had been after, when they had walked out of the bar and into the cold night, laughing over something they had seen outside. And then Sara spoke the words that would make her wonder for the rest of her life. Not just wonder, but feel sorry for the woman, because she was too...afraid, maybe...to speak the truth to his face.   
  
"I think I'm in love with him," she had said, almost with a curious tone to it. "But I'll never tell him."  
  
It was obvious who she was talking about. Obvious to everyone but the person in question. She would never understand why she wouldn't say anything, but Catherine wasn't the type of person to keep silent. If she wanted someone to know something, she'd come out and say it. That wasn't Sara's style. She liked to keep it quiet, let it grow inside of her before it became too much, and she had to...leave.  
  
That's when she began to understand. She had to leave, because the feelings got too strong for her, so strong that she couldn't handle them. And she was afraid to say something, or actually make a move and do something, because it could embarrass her. She didn't want to be embarrassed.  
  
Is that how she always lived her life, how she always would? Running from anything that could potentially hurt her? That was ridiculous, she thought. Because she would never stop running from her problems, running from her feelings...she'd never find a little bit of peace, and that was her problem. She wanted to be alone, and she was damned sure going to live that way.   
  
It didn't matter what Catherine did. She could storm over there, try to make her understand what would happen, because she knew. Oh, Lord, did she know. But what Sara really needed was for reality to slap her around a little, and that wasn't going to be happening anytime soon.  
  
So she was going to let her run.  
  
**********  
  
// When I see you now  
I wonder how  
I could've watched you walk away  
If I let you down  
Please forgive me now  
For that beautiful goodbye //  
  
**********  
  
Her things still hadn't been touched, Warrick noticed, but nothing looked out of place. Her locker was open, but if you just glanced at it, you couldn't tell that she was already gone. But he looked inside, and he could see the identification card that had her name and picture on it, laying on the top of the shelf. That was the final blow, the fact that she had left her I.D. behind. She didn't need it anymore.  
  
The funny thing was, he never really cared all that much for her, until he heard that she was leaving. They were co-workers, and they left it at that, but there was always that little piece of her that rubbed him wrong. That little bit of her caustic personality that didn't impress him. But she was gone now, and he couldn't help but wonder if he could have made it a little better if he had made one less comment, or said something to her with that condescending tone.   
  
It was too late to worry about something like that, wasn't it? It wouldn't help matters if he apologized to her for everything that he had said and done, or even if he just tried to explain himself. She would probably just turn him away, even if he did attempt it. She could be so cold at times. He used to joke around and say that you could get a case of frostbite just standing near her...but cold can burn like fire, and he didn't want to be burned by her.   
  
Strength. That's what he needed so that he wouldn't just reach out and slam the locker door shut as hard as he could. Why did he feel the need to destroy something? Put a dent in the metal, throw the lock across the room, bend the shelf...something so that he wasn't just sitting there, staring at the empty locker like someone who was mesmerized by a magic trick.   
  
He didn't like her at first, and it really didn't bother anyone. She had been investigating him, how was he supposed to take that? But at the same time, he admired her. The way that she wouldn't give up, and the way that she looked at the world with a touch of innocence hidden in her eyes. She was different, special in a way, and he had kept pushing her away.  
  
He regretted it now. He regretted it the moment that she had looked up, and said, "I won't be here tomorrow. I don't know when I'll be back, or if I will come back. Good luck, though." She didn't say that she would miss them, or that she would at least let them know how she would be doing when she left Nevada. She didn't give them a chance to say goodbye. Just walked off and never looked back.   
  
It would be so easy to bad mouth her for that, to say that it just proved his theory that she was a cold person...but he couldn't. That begrudging respect deep down inside of him wouldn't allow the words to come out, no matter how he tried. And he was sorry that she just couldn't look towards them one last time, maybe even smile. But she just kept walking, like she had already forgotten about them.  
  
He wouldn't forget her, though.  
  
**********  
  
// In these days of no regrets  
I keep mine to myself  
And all the things we never said  
I can say for someone else  
'Cause nothing lasts forever, but we always try  
And I just can't help but wonder why  
We let it pass us by //  
  
**********  
  
The leave of absence was still sitting on his desk, glaring at him. No one would be able to understand the shock that he had felt when he had first seen it. Shock and disappointment. He knew Sara better than anyone there, and that wasn't saying a lot, because he could count all the things he knew about her on one hand. But he hadn't expected to see that damned piece of paper sitting there.  
  
She had acted so nonchalant about it at first, but it hurt her. Did anyone else see that, he wondered. Grissom had been the only one that heard the struggle in her voice that was silent, saw the tears that she would never cry, the tremble in her hand that wouldn't come. It was like, for the first time, he had actually seen her.   
  
Did she know how many things he had wanted to say, but couldn't. Would she ever understand what she meant to him. How he didn't see her as someone he worked with, but almost like a daughter. There was so much that he could teach her, so much that she still had to learn, but now, it would never happen. All because she only saw one alternative, one way out. The same one that he had seen her take before. He had been there when she ran the first time, and he never said anything about how much it hurt to see it happen. Now, it was the second time, and he still wouldn't say anything.  
  
He worried about her all the time, almost every day. What everyone saw a cold, impenetrable woman he saw as an impressionable young girl that felt the need to hide herself from the world. Why...he never understood that. But she did, and he watched, wondering if it was ever going to end.  
  
He wasn't blind or ignorant. He had seen it, seen the signs. The reason why she was leaving. Despite what people thought, he saw everything and he understood it better than they could ever imagine. If she had just said the words...but even if she had, she still would have left. He knew her far too well to ever think that she would stay. It was obvious that one day, it was going to come down to this. But no amount of preparing could make him ready to see the request waiting for his signature.  
  
No good-byes were said the first time, but she had at least said something this time. At least she hadn't just up and left without a word, for him to find out through a few curious questions. She wouldn't be back, though. And he knew that.  
  
He just wished that he didn't.  
  
**********  
  
// When I see you now  
I wonder how  
I could've watched you walk away  
If I let you down  
Please forgive me now  
For that beautiful goodbye //  
  
**********  
  
Did anyone know what it felt for him to watch her walk down that hallway? To watch her disappear from their lives like that? To watch her disappear from his life. What would he give to see her dark eyes shine one more time, to see her mile-wide smile when she accomplished something. It was over, but he couldn't let it go.  
  
That's why he was sitting there in his car, watching as she pushed the last box into place, before looking around. He followed her eyes and stared at the sign outside the building, just like she saw. The other day when he had driven by, as he did so many times, it said "No vacancy." That part of the sign was covered now, and it was only a matter of time before someone rented her old apartment.  
  
His eyes remained on her as she took one last look around her, before walking over to the driver's side door and climbing in, shutting it behind her. He watched as she started to pull out of her parking space for the last time before turning to head down the road.  
  
Nodding, Nick started his own engine and reached for the pair of sunglasses that he had tossed on the passenger seat. He slipped them over his eyes and turned away from the direction that she had gone, heading the opposite way.  
  
"I knew, Sara. I just couldn't say the words, either." 


End file.
